i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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