Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
