It was confusing and full of hummus
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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