dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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