Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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