so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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