When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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