the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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