She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
