A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
