I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
