We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
