Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he was CRYING into my vagina
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
