I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
