what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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