JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
