I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
