I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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