walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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