I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think your dad took our porno
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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