i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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