Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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