My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
