You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
