there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
