how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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