I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
