O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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