I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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