you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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