Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
