Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
