thus making me awesome and them whores
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
