So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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