I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
