I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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