So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
