I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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