I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
