if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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