i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
