what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
