i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
there was a trapeze. enough said
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
