I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
