your parents love me but you hate me
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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