you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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