everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
