There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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