is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We had sex on a dog bed..
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
