she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
