Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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