I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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